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One of my favorite aspects of California politics is that all decisions that are remotely difficult are put to public vote. I'm not in politics, but my vision of the process goes something like this:

State legislator A: The walls of the chamber should be painted eggshell white!
State legislator B: I disagree! The walls of the chamber should be painted beige!
State legislator A: Beige is far too drab!
State legislator B: Eggshell white is way too risky and crazy!
State legislator C: Sorry gentlemen, the timer has run out on this bill. Time for a....STATE VOTE!

[A few million dollars are spent here]

State legislator A: The voters of California have spoken! Eggshell white it is! Suck it, bitch! Oh wait...we forgot to ask the voters how many coats of primer to use. Guess we'll have to hold off on painting until next election!

I figured that with all these propositions on the ballot, someone needs to sort out WTF is going on. That's where I come in. So without further ado...

San Francisco Measures:
Measure AA, Vehicle Registration Fee - adds a fee to vehicle registration to help buy golden toilets for city hall. Vote NO.

Measure A, Earthquake Retrofit Bond - Allows the city to borrow a bunch of money to pay for "earthquake retrofit." I have a theory that anytime a California politician wants money for something, they just declare it for "Earthquake safety" and everyone is like OMG EARTHQUAKES. NO

Pension Reform, Proposition B - Changes pension rules so that city workers don't get to retire with full pay 4 days after accepting a city job offer. If we were France, we'd revolt over this! YES

Proposition C, Mayoral "Question Time" in San Francisco - I don't know what this is, but it sounds retarded and thus I refuse to even read the full description. NO

Proposition D, Right of Non-Citizens to Vote in San Francisco School Board elections - How DARE we let undocumented citizens dilute my vote in the school board election, which is cast based on a complicated algorithm involving how much I like the candidates' names and job descriptions? OK...so maybe I don't care. If someone wants to care, more power to them. YES

Proposition E, Same-Day Voter Registration in San Francisco - no opinion, which for me means NO

Proposition F, Health Service Board Terms and Elections - Normally I vote no on these stupid measures that should be decided among legislators, but this one means we get to vote less for stupid positions. So...YES

Proposition G, Elimination of Pay Guarantees for Muni Operators - If nothing else, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote YES on this one. MUNI operators get ridiculous perks that are totally out of touch with normal procedure, and the city suffers for it.

Measure H, Ban on Dual Service as Elected Official and Elected Member of Political Party County Central Committee - Don't care...so NO

Proposition I, Saturday Voting Ordinance - Why not? YES

Measure J, Hotel Tax Increase - Dear SF government: stop screwing MUNI out of city funds, and I'll give you more if you need it. Until then, NO.

Measure K, Hotel Tax Clarifications and Definitions - And NO.

Proposition L, Sit-Lie Ordinance - Get off my damn lawn you hippy bums! OK so none of us have lawns, but I hear there's AWESOME homeless laws in Santa Cruz! All you homeless Nerdery readers should definitely check it out! YES

Proposition M, Police Foot Patrol Program - FYI - This nullifies the above prop. NO

Proposition N, Real Property Transfer Tax - More taxes for something or other. NO

And now for the big state propositions

Proposition 19, Marijuana legalization - Before we rush into this, will someone think of the gang members? How are they supposed to make ends meet? This will totally have a negative effect on their 401(k) contributions...YES

Proposition 20, Congressional district lines to be re-drawn by a committee - Seems fair enough to me. YES

Proposition 21, Increase vehicle license fees by $18 a year to fund state parks - See Prop 25 NO

Proposition 22, State government prohibited from taking designated types of local funds - Hmmm...Don't know what I think about this. Using my previous established theory of "Don't vote yes unless there is a clear reason": NO

Proposition 23, Suspend AB 32, the "Global Warming Solutions Act" until unemployment falls below 5.5% for a year - Heaven forbid we let this environmental business get in the way of company profits! With a little work, we could aspire to be the South and have a utopia of oil filled oceans! NO

Proposition 24, Eliminates three business tax breaks - Nah. We already have plenty of taxes in this state. NO

Proposition 25, Budget and related legislation can be passed with simple majority, rather than current 2/3rds requirement - I love this one. A Republican minority can no longer annually hold the budget hostage over their pet issues. Then we don't have to do things like pass vehicle registration fees to fund state parks! YES

Proposition 26, Requires a 2/3 supermajority vote in the legislature to pass certain state and local fees - I read "supermajority" and hear "constant gridlock". Pass. NO

Proposition 27, Return task of redistricting to the California State Legislature (repealing Prop 11) - Poor politicians have to deal with the hell of not having their districts designed to keep them in office? Oh, the humanity! NO

So there you go. Now go forth and exercise your franchise!

There is a soup place by my work, and they include a free piece of bread with each soup order.  The bread pieces lay together in a bin and you grab a piece with a pair of tongs.  This has always supremely bothered me.

See, if you grabbed a piece of bread with your hand, you might accidentally brush another piece of bread you aren't taking.  So for any random hand-grabbed piece of bread, it may have been touched by a few other people.  The horror!

To fix this inexcusable germ issue that may kill us all, we use tongs.  So now, instead of having a few people possibly brush up against your soon-to-be lunch item, you are now grabbing something that has been grabbed by every single person who has come through for lunch in the last few hours.  In fact, I can't think of a more unsanitary item that I touch on a regular basis than the bread tongs, in terms of number of unique people touching something per minute.

Needless to say, I tend to just grab a piece out of the basket, even if people don't approve.  You're welcome!

If there is anyone cooler than K-Strass, I don't know who it is. The guy infiltrates news shows in small markets and shows off his mad yo-yo skillz.

There's another video on this site, but the bastards won't let me embed it.

I watched one ultimately laughable delightful romp and the hilarity ensued rebelliously! Great entertainment television analyst Seinfeld owns laughs in deliciously kooky impulsively clever keeper in nighttime TV! His embellishment nabs ugly tussles sanely!

Big news today - Tiger Woods is returning to golf! Now, you might be saying to yourself, "How can he root for Tiger after what that man did to his wife?" And to that I would say, "You are totally racist."

But even more importantly, Tiger's recent transgressions have proven an inspiration to us all. Let me explain: Imagine a young child pushed into golf by his parents and expected to become great. A child whose father went and bought junior golf clubs, and then had those clubs cut down so they fit a 4 year old. Guided by his father over his childhood, he spends hours and hours on the practice tee working on his swing, and builds up a short game that most are envious of. Then, he starts playing amateur golf as a young lad, and cant help but flip out time and time again because WHY WON'T THE F***ING BALL GO STRAIGHT LIKE IT DOES ON THE RANGE?!?!?

See, that young boy is yours truly. And just as an extra kick in the balls, some other guy born at the same time with a similar back story rose up to become the best golfer in the history of the universe. He seemed to have an insane mental fortitude that no regular human being could even hope to match. And it was depressing.

But fret not, because this story has a happy ending. See, the reason for Tiger's greatness just recently became clear: He banged an unlimited supply of dirty, dirty whores. Now, I can sleep better at night knowing that Tiger was basically taking golfer HGH. Everyone knows that sex with hookers gives an unfair advantage!

To further illustrate the Tiger effect on my golfing morale, let me play out a sample golf conversation:

BEFORE

Friend: We should play golf sometime. What do you shoot?

Me: Well, I used to play golf a lot more and I was a 12 or 13 handicap, but now I shoot low 90's or so.

Friend: Oh, OK. I'm a 10 handicap

Me: <hangs head and weeps>

AFTER

Friend: We should play golf sometime. What do you shoot?

Me: Well, I used to play golf a lot more and I was a 12 or 13 handicap, but now I shoot low 90's or so.

Friend: Oh, OK. I'm a 10 handicap

Me: Oh. I see. Well, the thing is, I love my wife. <disapproving glare>

I now understand that anyone who has ever beaten me in golf must be a morally bankrupt philanderer.  And with that, I say - Thank you, Tiger!  And good luck in the Masters!  But with that said, if you win, there better be a gaggle of skanky prostitutes involved.  You don't want to ruin the dreams of a child, do you?

Evan, pictured below, won a gold medal today.  I assume it was for Best Fake Tan, but I could be wrong.

This picture catches him in the act of his signature trick, where he eats an entire 2 pound burrito and then squeezes it out in one uninterrupted log in the middle of the ice.  Well done, sir!

PS This will be my one and only post ever on figure skating, I have tried to keep that count at zero, but how can you not share this awesome picture?

As everyone who uses the internets knows, Google has a super helpful autocomplete feature that fills in common search results when you start typing.  Maybe this is common knowledge, but I just realized that the autocomplete answers for some very vague results are totally hilarious.  Take, for example, the various ways that Google suggests you finish your search that starts with "Why":

Now, there are two possibilities here:

1) Someone at Google with a funny sense of humor hand-chooses the autocomplete results for the beginning of very common searches.

2) Google has developed a state of the art algorithm that, when making choices among the millions of possible ways to end a sentence that starts with "Why", understands how to pick hilarious possibilities.

Either way, there are one or more people at Google that are totally awesome.  So let this blog post be a dedication to your anonymous awesomeness!

PS: I totally agree that my nipples are completely ridiculous.  But the Canadian thing is totally a myth.  You just gag them and keep them in the back of the closet.  Duh.